I was contemplating John Howard’s retirement the other day (as all Australians do from time to time) and I thought to myself, “Sure, that’ll be great for us, but what about him? What does 30 years serving the battlers of Australia qualify John Howard to do with himself in his declining years?”.
Realising how unAustralian a self-centred, I’m-alright-Jack attitude like that is (okay, perhaps I’m ten years out of date, but hankering after the Good Old Days is extremely non-unAustralian and I wasn’t around in the 1950s, so the nineties will have to do) I set up this blog which generously proposes to offer no fewer than 101 helpful suggestions (with diagrams) for things that John Howard can go and do with himself when he finally declares his innings closed.
If indifference ensues, I’ll just stop, which means that without any incentive to retire, John Howard will keep on being Prime Minister for ever and ever until Menzies is nothing more than a vague and happy memory and the only beings alive in a post-nuclear-holocaust Australia will be John Howard and giant mutant cockroaches who he will probably teach to play cricket and make himself captain and we don’t want that to happen so go and have a look around, sign up for email alerts, post comments and be generally helpful.
If pandemonium ensues, I will turn the cartoons into a bestselling book just in time for Christmas.
Feel free to suggest a re-use for our dear leader, though I must warn you, all suggestions, crap or not, become the property of me to use in any way I wish. However, if you do come up with a real cracker that I haven’t thought of yet, I may reward you with a free copy of the book if I ever get around to publishing it. This is entirely at my discretion, so let’s face it, your chances of getting out of it with anything more than a warm inner glow for helping Honest John Winston Howard retire gracefully are slim. But don’t let that deter you. It’s a good cause.
P.S. In the intersts of fairness and balance, an attempt was made to come up with 101 uses for a Kim Beazley, but I couldn’t think of any.
can’t find #1 on your site
I love your cartoons. They are fantastic! If only one of them were realised it could mean that Howard was PM no more – my dream.
What about John Howard being used on one of those pens, where the person becomes naked when you turn it upside down??!
Thank you Rose – I’ve sorted out the archives a bit better now.
Rachel, keep dreamin’. Hopefully he’ll hang on until I get to 101.
LOVE IT!!!! My personal favourites are the pinata and the Pouffe. Very entertaining! Good job!
What about Janette though, she’ll have to do something when not inspecting gardens and hosting tea parties.
Use #52: A Fertiliser mine.
He\’s so full of shit you could mine him for fertiliser for starving countries, to help them improve their crop yields, and ease the burden of starvation. With the advent of global warming, and the fact that Johhny won\’t sign the Kyoto Treaty, this could be a good way of giving something back to those under-developed countries, when their rainfall averages eventually start to improve due to the melting of Greenland.
Can I have two fridgemagnets please?
Cheers, and here\’s to a long and happy retirement Johnny!!
hey thanks for publishing my name and address you dorks!!! But thanks for the fridge magnets all the same.
No worries, dufus! Try not putting your name and address in the comments section next time. Open your fridge with peace of mind and stomach.
I have found your website most enjoyable… For my suggestion: seeing as John’s best friend Mr Dubbya Bush is starting out on a home project of putting in some fencing – maybe John could lease himself out as a “Dial-a-PM” franchise operator and look at assisting with those little odd jobs around Australia… You know, all that gardening and greenifying that he does so well!
Brilliant site, stoked with all the delightfully insightful, heartfelt tributes to our suet version of Superman.
I would love to see him cast in bronze, as a doorstop for the outside dunny.
He could stand station behind the door, a position he seems to take at almost every oportunity, except photo shoots with that other fearless caped crusader, The Texican Two-Facer.
Have long seen jh (won’t pollute my keyboard with his name, nor give him capital letter status, he’s never stood tall anywhere I know off) as a jw fig-leaf, I’m sure every real Australian knows how readily he gets attached, and how much he loves that position, no matter which direction he’s facing on application.
I have a nice idea,for john. He would be good as Butler to Geoge W,Bush.I dont think he is too far from ity now, but of course,He has to make sure his Son Still has a nice job n the White House..
With lots and lots of hard thinking I have reached this conclusion 101 uses for John Howard sorry i couldn’t think of one (1) he was bloody useless before the Prime Ministers position was handed to him.
And his self opiniated jumped up never come attitude does nothing to impress me when (WHEN always a question over that word) he gets out of the Political arena.
Rudd onya mate you have ruffled the dictators feathers.
I don’t think I’m alone when I say I wish to see the end of the Johny Jack boot and be sure to take his arrongant mate with him.
Goood site will be sure to make sure more see it
Well if Howard departs when all the coal is used up, he could start up a business in farming human excrement. He would boast about how excrement is beneficial to Australia’s economic growth and would enable us to be competitive in the world market. Talking out of his own arse and his associates’ arses.
Maxine to take Bennelong,
NOW I would like to see THAT.
Can anybody let me move in with them in the Bennelong area JUST TO VOTE for Maxine
As George and John will be retiring at the same time approximately, perhaps our former PM could offer his services as his diaper. I am sure George would feel more comfortable during his incontinence years knowing that Diaper John was there to lap it up.
100 Reasons Why John Howard Must Go
If you even agree with as few as 20 of the 100 items listed below that’s easily enough to justify throwing John Howard and his arrogant cronies out later this year.
Before you send it on to all your interested email contacts, can you think of a few more items – there must be dozens more. Please feel free to add yours to the list.
If we all send it to another 10 or 20 interested people, we can cover millions of of Australian voters in a few cycles within days
100 Reasons Why John Howard Must Go
Immigration/Refugees
1. Refusal to let Tampa off-load and look after refugees.
2. Children overboard lies
3. Locking up refugee children.
4. Mandatory detention of some refugees for years at a time
5. The “Pacific” solution forced on poor pacific Nations such as Nauru
6. Introducing racist dog-whistle politics on refugees. “Queue jumpers” strategy to win 2001 election. Suggesting that refugee boats may carry terrorists. Demonising refugees and on it goes
7. Ultimately responsible for Immigration department’s extreme culture
8. Responsible for immigration department’s locking up Australian citizens as ‘illegal immigrants’ eg Cornelia Rau or deporting them to perceived country of origin eg Vivian Solon – these are the tip of the iceberg
9. Responsible for Immigration department’s expelling/deporting Australian petty criminals overseas to countries of their parents origin or their birth though they grew up in Australia, where they don’t know the language, all based on a ‘three strikes you’re out’ rule or similar. There are several cases now.
10. Sending refugees back to war-torn dangerous countries on the lie that the country is now ‘safe’ eg Afghanistan.
11. Knowing ahead of time about Siev X was going to sink or in trouble but not allowing the Navy to assst.
12. Condoning goings-on in detention centres and doing nothing to change it.
13. Compromising the independence of the Public Service, no more frank and fearless advice.
War on Terror, Defence
14. Supporting and contributing to the obvious US Republican NeoCon lies and deceit to ‘justify’ the Iraq invasion
15. Talking up Australia’s contribution/importance in Iraq when it is only a token effort (500 combat troops) and the troops are also kept away from the real action. (Pro rata, 10 to 15 of the Australians deployment would have been killed in action by now based on US/UK figures if they were assigned to similar areas, roles). At the same time, talking Australia’s role up making Australians a bigger target for terrorists.
16. Using the ‘We don’t cut and run’ ‘Stay the course’ lines in lieu of an ‘exit strategy or plan to get out of Iraq.
17. Pulling troops prematurely out of Afghanistan for redeployment to Iraq, leaving Afghanistan to deteriorate and be largely retaken by the re-emerging Taliban.
18. Condoning and denying all knowledge of $300 million kick-back/bribes to Saddam through AWB payments in the Iraq ‘food for oil’ program – that could have contributed to purchase of arms for the enemy.
19. Limiting the Cole commission’s terms of reference so that the Govt Ministers’ involvement in the AWB kickbacks was not scrutinised.
20. Compromising the perceived independence/integrity of our Military chiefs
21. Trying to scare the public with the risks of terrorism as an election strategy – the ‘Politics of fear” strategy.
22. Purchasing Sea King Helicopters with 40 yea-old airframes for over $1B, near impossible to back-fit with modern systems and operational problems.
23. Locking Australia into massive ($15B+) purchase of strategic fighters that are still in the development stage and have major technical problems. The cost has risen substantially and these are still many years away
24. Committing $4B (against expert advice) as a stop gap measure to buy stand-in fighters that are already inferior to fighters in the region and are not compatible with current of our future fighter aircraft.
25. Playing David Hicks as a pawn in a political game, arguing Hicks will be tried fairly when it is clearly not the case. Wanting a quick resolution after 5 years in and election years, hoping for a plea bargain to minimise electoral fallout??
26. Condoning the US’s Guantanamo Bay and its practices which flouts the Geneva Convention and International law.
27. Condoning the US’s ‘extraordinary rendition’ program for so-called suspected terrorists (our own citizen M.Habib). In so doing, condoning torture in countries such as Egypt and former Eastern Block countries, all the while denying it is happening.
28. For political purposes, giving oxygen and names to small extremist groups that have now created Al Qaeda, raising Osama Bin Laden’s , Al Zawkawi’s other group leaders profiles and their support base.
29. Creating a civil war in Iraq and not admitting it is happening. A refusal to admit it is essentially a lost cause.
30. Supporting the current USA troop surge plan in Iraq with 20,000 extra troop but which actually needs more like 100,000 troops to make an impact (as any military strategist would advise). This number has been determined by what the USA can physically support at the moment and not by the actual requirements, and is 4 years too late.
31. Condoning an obvious cover-up of the cause of the death of Jason Kovco. Not to mention presiding over all the stuff-ups with the repatriation of his body.
Environment
32. No leadership on global warming, in fact the opposite, by opposing or criticising those trying to raise awareness. Denying the problem.
32a. Adopting the US administration strategy of confusing the issue, language eg long term ‘climate change’ rather than ‘global warming’ happening now. The same PR firm and scientists employed by Exxon eg Dr Singer et also represented the tobacco lobby in arguing that smoking is not necessarily associated with lung cancer and heart disease. Exxon has a strong influence on US Gov policy and hence Austrlaina policy
33. Not signing the Kyoto Protocol to reduce GH emissions but claiming Australia will meet the Kyoto target knowing full well that Australian emissions from electricity generation and transport will increase by about 50% by 2010 (relative to 1990 levels) and that offsets since 1990 are only due to land clearing reductions (Q’land had massive land clearing to 1990 under Bjelke P)
34. Howard actually supported Bush’s decision not to ratify the Kyoto protocol in writing(April 2001).
35. On World environment day June 2002, Howard announced Australia would not ratify Kyoto because US and some developing countries did not sign.
36. As an ally, not trying to influence the USA to sign the Kyoto Protocol
37. Ignore climates change risks raised by environment Minister Ian Campbell in 1990’s
38. Rejecting proposal in 2000 by then Environment Minister Robert Hill to set up a carbon emission trading scheme
39. Knocked back Minister Kemp’s July 2003 proposal for emissions trading scheme
40. Reducing support for renewable energy and energy efficiency. No coherent energy plan for the country. No vision other than to pander to Uranium interest
41. Establishing a Greenhouse office in 1998 to manage Climate Change policy but disbanding it when it is really needed.
42. Remains captive to the coal and power industries, apparently now the Nuclear lobby too.
43. Ignored calls by International Energy Agency in Aug 2005 to review its rejection of carbon emissions trading
44. Aug 2006 Senior Greenhouse scientist at CSIRO gagged.
45. Al Gore’s documentary on global warming dismissed as ‘entertainment’. Refusal to meet with Gore to discuss the issues
46. Ignores Business Councils warnings in Sep 2003, Oct 2006. Ian Campbell, one of the few GH/Global warming believers, dropped as Environment Minister.
47. Warns MPs not to be mesmerised by Stern report that warns of severe economic downturn resulting from global warming effects. Does not appear accept report findings.
48. Backs nuclear as the only solution to global warming – May 2005
49. No Vision. No decent water policy after 11 yrs. Latest $10B, 10 Year ‘plan’ cobbled together in a few weeks with no real costings and no consultation even with Cabinet. ‘Policy on the run’. Deceit to get misleading headlines eg this budget actually covers all Australia and not just Murray Darling Basin.
50. No Greenhouse, Carbon abatement plan after 11 years of denying global warming and refusal to sign Kyoto agreement. Recent cobbled together 9 page Govt policy doc on carbon trading which is sketchy with no real plan – just an issues list based on a slanted terms of reference, quickly drafted in recent weeks and ignores finding from reports developed by States and scientific institution such as the CSIRO s over recent years. No Vision.
51. No expansion of the MRET scheme for renewable energy.
52. Believes that an increase in temperature of 3 or 4 degrees will only be a little ‘less comfortable’ for some people and few place along the NSw coast will be impacted.
53. Largely in denial on scale of impact on environment/extreme weather , 10’s of millions of refugees, extinction of species etc
54. Ready to sell the ‘nuclear solution’ but not look at other options. No real plan or money to look at all the options.
55. No leadership in Greenhouse measures and by not signing Kyoto and so cannot influence China, India or the US. Following their logic, no one anywhere would do anything.
Education & R&D
56. Has run down quality of university education, greatly reduced investment and large increases in HECS fees.
57. Lowest increase in educational expenditure in OECD over last 10 yrs
58. No plan to train and develop the skills knowledge needed
59. Amongst lowest R& D expenditure in OECD
60. Cutting funding and independence of scientific research groups such as CSIRO. Politicising the culture through funding conditions.
61. Greatly increased financial support for wealthy private schools based on questionable measures such as “postcode average income” and not on parental income/wealth and school income.
62. Introducing compulsory school ‘league tables’ and tests to simplistically compare results for rich and poor schools but not providing the funding/resources to help poor schools improve. – “Standards but no investment”
63. Constantly shifting blame to States – combative approach, lack of leadership
Industrial Relations
64. Introduction of severe Industrial relations measures which are not warranted – to lower pay and conditions especially at the bottom end
65. Unfair dismissal can now happen much more easily
66. Allowing importation of overseas labour under contracts (where they are exploited) as means to lower Australian wages and conditions more so than as a stop-gap measure
67. Introducing the ‘Fair Pay’ commission to reduce pay and conditions for the majority of workers. A less extreme model in the UK is called the ‘Low Pay’ commission but this title was not adopted here for obvious reasons.
Economic Management
68. Claiming credit for economic management, low interest rates and low inflation when the Reserve Bank has most influence and these trends were already established during the Keating Govt. Low inflation has been largely helped by increasingly cheap Chinese imports.
69. Claiming credit for economic growth though China (and India) are responsible for the resources boom for the last 5 years
70. Claiming credit for low unemployment when recent study indicates that non-employment or underemployment for working age people (excluding retirees, home duties and students) is around 1,800,000 (23%) compared to official unemployment of 355,000 (4.5%) Anyone with 2h work per week is considered to be employed!
71. Comparing unemployment figures now with unemployment 30 years ago when most jobs were actually mainly full-time and unemployment measures actually measured something resembling true unemployment without hiding the true numbers.
72. No coherent balance superannuation, funding plan for the aging population and baby boomer retirees over next 15 years. For example, introduced super surcharge in 1996 hitting high income earners with 30% contributions tax, recently discarded and now tax free super withdrawals for those 60+. This is now extremely generous to high income earners who can afford to salary sacrifice substantial amounts but it unlikely to be sustainable longer term and there will be yet another change. The 9% super guarantee for ordinary workers is much to little.
73. Selling of Public assets like Telstra to clear so called ‘Labor’s’ Govt debt which was around $60B in 1996).
74. Presiding over net foreign debt blowing out to $600B. Record current account deficits each month. But for China demand and the resources boom Australia would be in dire straits now.
Ministerial Responsibility, Standards
75. No more Ministerial responsibility. Howard’s new ‘Ministerial Standards’ aborted after one year of Howard Govt after two Ministers had fouled up. Has not sacked incompetent Ministers who have a track records of gaffs. eg AWB scandal, Immigration, Health, Defence etc etc. most major portfolios
76. Always playing wedge politics and only looking to get through the next election. No Vision for Australia
77. Finally Sacked Vanstone (ok) but not the worst – Ruddock!!
78. John Howards has condoned five instances where his ex Ministers of Health (Dr Wooldridge), Communications (Alston), Defence (Reith) etc etc. have immediately taken on highly paid jobs as lobbyists or on Boards of companies or organisations in industries directly related to their previous Ministerial portfolio or have been given cushy ambassador posts
Religious Right
79. In bed with ‘Exclusive Brethren’ fanatics and other groups for $ – this impact policy that impact all of us!
80. Allowing religious beliefs to impact key policies eg stem cell research law , abortion counselling funding to a Catholic body, abortion pill decision
81. Showing up at ‘Hillsong’ to get cheap votes.
Lobby groups, pork barrelling and Cronyism
82. Money provided by Govt to bail out Brother’s (Chairman of Board) company but not for other companies in similar circumstances
83. Support/contract for single company (run by crony) to provide ethanol for petrol use, cutting out other Australian suppliers
84. Shameless, record levels of pork-barrelling and Gov advertising.
85. Allocation of $100’s of millions in election years to buy silence of lobby groups with issues to make these issues go away. Eg 400M for sugar
86. Reducing funding to ABC and compromising its independence. Stacking ABC Board with right wing cronies
87. Forcing their right wing crony onto the Telstra Board just prior to full privatisation.
Other Foreign Policy
88. Interference in US election process. Criticised Democrat candidate and Democrats Party potentially damaging alliance when Democrats win in 2008
89. Clashes with Indonesia and other ASEAN neighbours eg Pre-emptive terrorist strikes gaff, the publicised Deputy Sheriff role (to Bush)
90. Not scene as independent but as George Bush’s puppet, lapdog. Loss of credibility.
91. Most independent commentators believes that the US Free-Trade agreement was not to Australia’s advantage
Health & Social Welfare
92. Always plays politics on hospital funding with the States – blame game
93. Reduced funding for hospitals
94. No plan or funding to ensure enough doctors and medical staff are trained now to meet the aging population.
95. No leadership on obesity epidemic. Not prepared to control fast food advertising (strong lobby group)
96. Cut out dental services for elderly – now a crisis in nursing homes and for pensioners
97. Not supporting bulk billing with fair basic approved fees – so this has declined materially which impacts those less well-off
98. Poorly negotiated US free trade deal threatens the effectiveness, viability of the PBS in the medium term.
99. Presiding over worsening Aboriginal health with no plan to deal with it
100. Religious right driving policy on some drugs and medical procedures
Oy! Get your own blog!
Addition to j savage. no.101:- allowing armed US persons to take over the Federal Parliament in defiance of our Constitution. (when gwbush came to visit)
How about John Howard as The Elect Vessel.
hello people you are weird
how about john howard as a balloon and a child with a needle getting ready to pop him? thatt would be funny!
I CANT CHOOSE WHICH IS THE NO.1 USE FOR JOHN HOWARD. THEY’RE ALL BRILLIANT
hey can u post a diagram on how to draw good ol’ johnny pls