If you want to make a suggestion, then I’m putting the Official Suggestions Comments Page here, but feel free to do so in an ad hoc fashion if you so wish. Like I’ve said before, all comments become my property to do with as I please without any remuneration, but if you come up with one I haven’t thought of (and you’ll have to be pretty specific) and I’m in a good mood, I may give you a free book if I actually publish one. Let’s face it, it’s a pretty forlorn hope, but that’s the sort of Industrial Relations World Best Practice that is going to make this country great again.
Suggestion
A Colostomy bag.
This serves a dual purpose.
He could actually help someone with a disability, and take the type of crap he has been dishing out.
Royal fluffy toilet lid cover.
A stirring monument to the Queen, and brings Johnny closer to the throne.
How about a radio-isotope? He’s big on a rational discussion on nuclear technology and of course is dedicated to funding the best possible healthcare for all Australians – not.
SUGGESTION: How-not-to-bowl Biomechanics Life Model for Cricket Australia.
Remember that footage from Pakistan? Remember cringing so much you thought you’d meld with the sofa? Remember thinking, ‘How did this supreme try-hard manage to lead our country for more than a decade? Oh yes, by trying hard. For decades.’
Way-hey! Here’s the perfect solution: Johnny strips off (free sickbags provided), has the computer-linked sensors attached to his joints, and sends down ultra-short-pitched delivery after delivery. Slow-motion cameras video the little bloke and transfer the images to computer for analysis by coaches at all the state and territory cricket academies.
VARIANT: Obviously, the computer modelling renders Johnny irrelevant rather quickly. A couple of tours to the academies is all he can really hope for. That’s where his variant role comes in: ADF’s How-not-to-throw-a-grenade instructor.
As I’ve said often, love your stuff, love your site. I have no wit to offer, so thought I’d offer some proof-reading advice for free (no expectation of a book): delete ‘I’ at beginning of fourth line in suggestions para above, and ‘e’ in ‘heave’ in the same line.
Keep up the great work.
Well spotted Nite – just fixed that, though I did make it easy for you by not writing it in Indonesian. You were already getting a book.
If there ever actually is a book.
A rubber stamp…have you ever noticed whilst giving some important speech or press conference he tends to bounce up and down on those little heels of his? They could be put to great use in his retirement as rubber stamps….lets face it he is apt to a bit of excitable and careless rubber stamping when it comes to GW Bush and Bang Bang.
A red wine stain? No matter how hard Peter Costello tries, you can never get him out. A grass stain, poo stain, mould-between-your-bathroom-tiles stain would also suffice.
USA back-up Conservative Policy Photo-Copier
The USA need never again be afraid of being ‘the only kid on the block’ with right wing ultra-conservative polices! with the New John Howard Copier all manner of polices can be safely copied.
Scrapping of internationally endorsed environmental treaties is a breeze (an increasingly brisk one, mind you).
Declaring war while ignoring global protest and using fabricated Casus Belli is easy!
And producing ‘National Security Legislation’ that guts civil liberties is a snap.
All this and so many similar features are now available with the John Howard Policy Copier.
{Please note, the John Howard Policy Copier perceives everything as black and white with only occasional rose coloured tinting – No warranties are available as veracity is not considered a core campaign promise.}
John Howard, the Olympic Diver.
Backward double somersault tuck and pike? Yes this is a legitimate dive, but in certain arenas, you could be forgiven for confusing withdrawn bills and concience votes for somersaults, and knees just under his chin (was that the tuck, or just the way he is?),
Unfortunately, the pike is real.
Dear John
Would it be okay if we were to use some of your political cartoons to include in our newsletters to our members from time to time?
kind regards
barb
Hi Barb,
It’s not out of the question – contact me by email through the contact link with specifics on what you want to do and we’ll take it from there. Extra points will be awarded for spelling my name correctly.
Power of The Till
My name is Honest Johnny
And i’m leader of the band
We’re pals of OK Dubya
To shaft this ancient land
To once again we’ll cull its youth
On other ancient lands
And bring the bacon home
To get another round.
So vote again for Honest John
And persevere I will
The rich will prosper so will I
Thru the power of the Till!.
My suggestion is a cannon ball because he leaves death, destruction and dispair which ever we he goes (hardly original i know but i thought i sounded good
)
either that or an umpa lumpa because he never smiles and noone is sure where he really came from or why he is here
A JH calendar. 1950′s or perhaps a Dickension version of course.
hi mate. how about little johnny howard being used as a practice golf tee at a golfing school for the blind? ought to wipe the grin off his face. failing that, how about something involving a voodoo doll.
I guess it well done.
No 36 I think was the best so far.
Suggestions:
1. add wings to become Australias next super fighter
2. add tracks to become the new tank
3. add to a horse for Johnny to lead us charging after the yanks to save the world
PS when you lookseriously at Beattie Iemma, Stanhope and co. it gives a fairly good indication of why the ferret remains.
One has to respect him.
Love the site.
May I suggest a reusable teabag?
Johnny’s always getting in hot water but emerges as fresh as ever after every election, ready for another serving.
If you prefer leaf tea, his eye brows could double as a completely natural strainer. (He has had years of experience straining credibility very successfully.)
Finally, as tea is his favourite beverage, he probably even jiggles or dangles himself occasionally. (I doubt if he is a pot bag.)
How about some climate action? John as a CO2 vaccuum not made in kyoto. And some drought aid – a water fountain perhaps with a smug smile, piddling in the Darling. I have the image of one of those Greco-Roman sculptures and the end of the pool toga and all.
How about John Howard for the “National Sports Track Suit Fashion Designer”… He has worn just about every national team’s outfit and walked about the various cities of the world in them – who better than Johnny to design the outfits for our side!
How about a Pork Barrel. Self-explanatory, really.
I think he should join The Rolling Stones but I can’t imagine Mick wanting a bar of him. Actually, the Seekers are probably more his style. I hear Judith is thinking about moving on.
Our little Johnny has oiled his ego over three major human designed assaults on mankind.
This obsequious little fellow, in the world of political correctness, has evolved to become a giant of the yes men.
These assaults are listed as;
The Port Arthur massacre
9/11
The Bali Bombing
Not a question asked; just a nod and a wink! (whichever comes first?)
This ‘wink and a nod’ is a tacit symbol amongst the faithful as little Johnny has not aspired the inner sanctum of the Skull and Bones he has to be careful how he expresses his fingers when offering his chumminess to his own disciples. With a little practice, whilst paying close attention to the GW technique, plus the well oiled ‘wink and a nod’ our man of action could get an invite to this inner sanctum of Gods chosen few. My mind boggles!
Maybe a cartoon of our little Houdini as doorman to the Skull and Bones or a shoeshine boy polishing GW or…..?
I have been told that a sporting club wanted to have plaster cast statues made of John Howard so they could use them as targets for all types of projectiles.
How about a broken record?
We cannot leave Iraq…. We cannot leave Iraq….
(Everything is under control, control, control, control….)
Or another one – JH as a parallel universe (though I’ve no idea how you would draw this).
In his universe, he’s big powerful and strong, talks in a deep and authoritative voice, has no opposition (oops – he has that now!) never does backflips. Oh, and Iraq has a vibrant Latte society and democracy.
A tin of sardines because when you are down and out, that’s the only thing you can aford to buy, you can share it with your cat amanda.
He could be a back pack on the back of George bush. ‘Back to the bush’
Errol Flynns double.
We all know the story of Errol Flynn.
Every thing he touched he stuffed
The difference between Errol and Johny
Errol is alive and doing well.
IVAN MILAT
Now that poor old Ivan’s slammed up in the slammer the glaring hole in the psychopath talent still un-hindered by razor-wire and bars has been filled snugly by Johnny.
Who else could stare questioners in the eyes in the face of indisputable evidence and say ‘I don’t know what you are talking about!’. And perhaps even believe it!
Ivan #1 did it when caught red handed (literally), and Ivan #2 is no less talented. From the very beginning where he ‘never said that he had any problem whatsoever with Asian immigration’ (don’t know what you are talking about. Don’t even know what an Asian is!) to any number of statements fed to a compliant and lazy media along the way.
Perhaps he is telling the truth about Asians now. Who needs them when you have all these nifty *Muslims to harass.
Ah yes, he proudly strides in those Milatian footsteps.
As well as the capacity to cause death on a grand scale with not so much as a tinge of conscience or regret he also sports such Milat-like talents such as blaming anyone but himself for ‘interesting’ predicaments and intimidating anyone who would dare oppose him.
And the real beauty is that, like Ivan #1 he has gotten away with it for years with absolutely ZERO consequences.
That takes real Ego.
You have to take your hat of to the guy.
I wonder if there is a cell for 2 available. The story swapping would be delightful.
*Read: Terrorists.
A desiccated coconut. Can be used in a lot of recipes including pumpkin scones.How about tea cake tripe biscuits with a sprinkle of desiccated coconut on top? for the parliamentary smoko.
Sorry I can’t recall (AWBitis I call it) but have you done a collective dog turd? like the groups of them you see on council sporting ovals? ’cause that’s all Howard et al. are.
Not original – but John as a Bonsai – according to Latham he just “a little bush.”
how about a luke warm pina coloda
There’s got to be a John Howard safety net in there somewhere, especially on that’s full of holes.
John Howard as the new Headmaster for Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Or Minister of Magic. (Something Harry Potter related)
OMG i love this site. What about lil johnny as a the leader of the apes from that show, ‘the land of apes’, or something, i know, its pretty original but you know…
Lame Duck, to borrow a US presidential election term.
Johnny says he will go – to quote a certain artists strip : “trust me Pete, I’ll hand it over this time for sure”
White anted from within, abused by the erstwhile loving media, and about to loose his own seat.
Yes, in this particular race, John is running very much like a lame duck.
P.s. We may only have a few weeks to get to 101 uses. It would be great to have printed copies of this available at the start of the election campaign.
I’m sure that you could get certain opposition parties to carry the title, as well as the standard bookshops
I’m thinking a barrel of pork …
How about mass debater?
A worm?
I think we should get him a job as a Golden Diosma, or a hedging plant. Lets face it, for the best part of the last 7 years hes just been a small Bush anyway.
maybe this is just hope, but have you considered Dead Man Walking?
how about some more fridge magnets. A measly 101 seems hardly adequate. come on, pretty please!!!!!!!!