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CLICK HERE TO BUY THE BOOK

For all you smug elites sitting back sipping your chardonnnays with latte chasers it must seem like all your Chrismases have come at once. There’s still time to get yourself a copy of the book before the sky falls in or you’re attacked and eaten by feral union bosses, or even before Christmas if we make it that far without all being murdered in our beds or the ALP abolishes it to stop global warming.

Yes, for $7.40 postage, I’ll put one in an express envelope the same day (if you get your order in by 4 o’clock) and you should have it by the next business day. You can even buy a few extras for your gloating elitist friends and it’s still $7.40.

Otherwise, you may be able to get hold of it at Fullers in Hobart where it’s currently their bestselling book, or The Hobart Bookshop, or the New Town post office or Dymocks in Centrepoint, but they’re selling pretty fast so good luck with that.I also got a few extra fridge magnets in, so the next 50 or so orders get one of them too.

Merry Christmas,

101 Uses For A John Howard

P.S. If you want to buy a book and post it to John Howard, I’m told it’s already been done, so send one to Brendan Nelson instead.

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To commemorate the event, I’ve coloured up #72 and made it available as a cheerful Christmas card (the perfect accompaniment to the book!) poster or T-shirt on my Redbubble site for those out there who need visual reassurance that it’s really all over.

Check out the site for more pics coming soon.

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Today the Liberals performed the greatest act of generosity towards the political cartooning profession since appointing Alexander Downer as opposition leader all those years ago by putting Brendan at the wheel, so it seems appropriate to put up Brendan’s entry.

Speaking about taking the slow road to nowhere, Brendan Nelson’s taken up a new career as a Mystery Bus Tour Operator.

Designed specifically for deceased people who always regretted not travelling more when they were alive, the coffins are loaded on board (there’s no allocated seating) and with Brendan at the wheel, everyone takes off on the adventure of slightly longer than a lifetime.

Brendan will fire up the public address system, confidently pretending to know what the local landmarks are, secure in the knowledge that none of the passengers are going to ask any tricky questions.

Adding to the fun is that the bus is ex-Australian military issue, purchased from Dodgy Motors USA, so is extremely unlikely to keep going long enough for Brendan to get propoerly lost, which is a blessing as nobody wants to get stuck on Brendan’s Magical Mystery Bus when the air conditioning breaks down.

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101 uses is a long time in politics. When the first use was posted on this blog on 6/6/06 (read into that what you will) it seemed the little guy would be here forever. Now, while I’m sure we all hope he’ll be hanging onto the keys to Kirribilli House for another 101 uses, there’s a fleeting possibility this blog, or in fact, the book may become a valuable research tool in the cold light of Sunday morning.

To celebrate his career, win or lose, here’s a little trip down memory lane courtesy of youtube, a medium it’s clear that John Howard made his own during this election campaign.

…and while you’re at it, buy the damn book, which contains 10% GST extra uses for which contains 10 extra uses for GST including uses for Peter Costello, Tony Abbott, Brendan Nelson, Philip Ruddock, Kevin Andrews, Mark Vaile, Helen Coonan, Joe Hockey, Malcolm Turnbull and Alexander Downer.

If you already have bought a book, buy a few more for Christmas presents or I bloody well won’t bother doing 101 Uses for Kevin Rudd and that will probably trigger the downfall of democracy as we know it, so don’t take the risk.

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We would like to vigorously refute any suggestion that he is in any way an evil Dark Overlord, obese simian, member of the order rodentia, one of the undead, seafood of dubious freshness or fruit of any description.

We would also like to especially resile from the complete misunderstanding that he might resemble a floating turd, be a receptacle for urine or is in any other way involved in the disposal of human waste. In fact, we would even like to say that in all likelihood he doesn’t even go to the toilet.

John Howard? Fantastic fellow. The great thinker and orator George W. Bush, President of our infallible ally the United States of America and Leader of the Free World once referred to him as the Man of Steel, relating equally to his Übermensch status as to his undisputed sexual prowess.

Whether it’s rescuing a cat from a tree, saving a drowning kiddy from the ocean or simply battling the overwhelming forces of Terror with his extraordinary magnetic powers, John Howard is the greatest ever Australian, living or dead, including Don Bradman, and our dearest hope is that his reign as Prime Minister of this Lucky Country can somehow be made permanent.

…can I go home now?

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Sadly, “fully operational” is never quite the case with your average Death Star. They never work properly and they’re always back in the shop. A particular problem with this one was a persistent squeak in the Barnaby Joyce, which is impossible to get parts for.

Nonetheless, it’s a good life being a Dark Imperial Overlord with the power to choke recalcitrant minions with a mere wiggle of the fingers. The black outfit, while not as comfy as the tracksuit, lends a certain gravitas and also makes you impossible to dack.
Until now, it’s been a bit of a doddle. Recent opponent, Kim Jabba the Beazley didn’t move very fast and nobody could understand what he was saying without subtitles. Chewbacca Latham howled a lot but ended up making a monkey of himself and that other chap Jar Jar Crean was quickly relegated to a non-speaking role for obvious reasons.

However, there’s a New Hope on the horizon. A young hero Kev Skywalker has appeared out of nowhere with a tousled mop of blonde hair. There’s also that Princess Gillard with the weird hairdo, but apparently her boyfriend’s a hairdresser.

Anyway, Darth Howard’s still got one ace up his sleeve. At the appropriate moment, he will reveal his terrible secret, Kevin… I am your father.

…which pretty much explains everything.

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As politicians are generally at least 99% heel, this form of invulnerability has been somewhat ineffective for them.

Polytetrafluoroethylene, or teflon to the layperson, is used extensively to coat cookware with the process now being adapted to become the political equivalent of a christening in Stygian waters.

At some point in his political career, possibly at the same time he had his teeth capped, John was dipped into a large vat of the stuff, giving him a slippery, invulnerable, non-stick coating and as he was held by the eyebrows during the process, there’s been none of that Achilles Heel mucking about.

Sadly, even the best non-stick coating starts to get a bit manky after constant and prolonged use and we all know, once it starts to go, everything starts to stick.

Once-devastating bon mots pertaining to the blackness of the kettle on the opposite bench become muffled by the sheer weight of crud welded to the previously pristine surface.The only thing that will get it clean is an overnight soak in boiling water followed by a vigorous scrubbing with a metal scourer, which is fine when you’re doing it for fun, but a bit of a drag in the daily grind of an election campaign.

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The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The skyyyy is faaaaalliiiiiinnnng! Seriously! I really mean it this time!

The world would be a dangerous place without fear. For example, just imagine the terrifying carnage on the roads without all those terrifying road safety ads showing us all the carnage on the roads. Or those “wombats next 5km” signs. Just imagine if you weren’t warned about all those bloody wombats. Shambles is the only word to describe it.

John “Chicken Little” Howard’s key goal as Prime Minister has been to keep us as relaxed, comfortable and scared shitless. While some might see a contradiction in the above strategy, that’s only because their senses have been dulled by their excessive latte intake.

Originally struck on the head by a spanner while pecking around a poorly maintained building site, John became convinced that the sky was falling due to an evil plot perpetrated by the union bosses of the Builders Labourers Federation and subsequently uncovered links to an evil cabal including the ACTU, boat people, the unemployed. single mothers, homosexuals, and of course, terrorists.

Some latte-addled members of the so-called elites even go so far to suggest that John is more “boy who cried wolf” than diminutive chicken, but that slanderous untruth is belied by Joe Hockey who recently pointed out that Liberal fear campaigns are based on fact whereas the Labor fear campaigns are complete fabrications, which should be bloody terrifying.

…with any luck.

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Otherwise, you can buy the John Howard book here.

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