All this talk of preambles to the Constitution takes me back to the heady days of 1999 when the Battlers of Australia voted against elitism by retaining the, er… British Monarchy. It’s no secret that Little Johnny’s a big fan of HRH and it is one of the great cruelties of male pattern baldness that as a loyal Monarchist, while he is certainly tugging away at something, he is entirely devoid of any forelock with which to make the traditional obeisance.
Fortunately, the solution is clear. Johnny was one of the unsung heroes of ‘99, obfuscating, complicating, bamboozling and befuddling the Elitist Army to snatch victory for queen and country. While he may lack a forelock of his own, he made up for it by tugging everybody else’s forelock for them.
The forelock-tugging power of one John Howard is approximately equal to that of 10000 Egyptian slaves (now those were the days) during the construction of the pyramids. It has been calculated that John Howard equipped with a cable fashioned from human forelocks and a quick burst of Rule, Brittania! would have been enough to get the Pasha Bulker off Nobbys Beach at Newcastle before they even got to the bit about how Britons will never be slaves.
Whilst Johnny Tugboat could enjoy a productive retirement towing refugee terrorist boat people back to the end of the queue where they belong, a more ambitious plan presents itself.
While elitists are self-evidently wrong about everything, they are slightly correct in pointing out that the Queen of Australia resides at the opposite end of the planet. Now, give John a map, a really strong cable woven from the forelocks of all true Australian British subjects and a rousing chorus of God Save the Queen and he’ll have us towed into the Atlantic, just to the west of Ireland before you could say off with his head.
Comments 4
Aye, and Tugboat Johnny’s fine vessel and its considerable cargo could plow the waters back home adorned with a ship’s figurehead of a curvaceously hewn David Flint dressed as a mermaid. Otherwise obnoxious pirates would flee screaming at the sight, while pertinent tectonic plates would freeze in horror, thus enabling the shipment of an entire continent back to the milk-engorged bosoms of Our Mother Who Art in Jolly Old, without mapmakers so much as having to lift a quill.
Posted 12 Nov 2007 at 2:06 pm ¶Jon
If you have no intention of selling them through bookshops how come some books and fridge magnets are on the counter at the newtown postoffice/newsagency. Doesn’t that count as bookshop? Hope they havn’t been remaindered already
Its a good read.
Posted 21 Nov 2007 at 1:39 pm ¶Yeah, we’ll file that bookshop plan under “never-ever” and never speak of it again. Due to my shameless self-promotion, a few of the cream of Australian bookstores contacted me and asked so nicely I deigned to allow them to sell the book.
Posted 21 Nov 2007 at 2:46 pm ¶Charles, after 11 and a half years you must surely by now know the difference between “core” and “non-core” promises!
Posted 22 Nov 2007 at 1:50 pm ¶Post a Comment