A lert is a small, furry marsupial endemic to the urban areas of Australia. It is considered to be endangered, but zoologists suspect it is just extremely shy, spending most of its time hiding under rocks dialling the emergency terrorist hotline.
Contrary to popular belief, the lert has very few predators in Australia and the most common cause of death is caused by fright. It is a close cousin of the larmed, which although somewhat more robust than the lert, has a tendency to wander about like it’s not about to be blown up by terrorists.
The cruel irony is that this relaxed attitude makes the meat of the larmed considerably more tasty and tender than that of the lert, leading to it also being on the endangered list. The perfect method for making tenderised larmed steaks is to run it over, and the gruesome remains can be found in the fridges of Australia, leading zoologists to conclude that this explains the meaning of the cryptic warning occasionally found on magnets affixed to the front of these appliances.
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