101 Uses for a John Howard

Eighty seven: the Devil’s number of Australian cricket, the score all batsmen fear, and if the footage of John bowling in Kashmir in 2005 is any indication of his prowess with the ball, the only chance he would ever have of taking a wicket, although he would also need to be bowling to a batsman playing his 87th test on his 87th birthday who was being savaged by 87 rabid black cats at the moment the ball was being delivered.

For those not familiar with John’s infamous bowling effort, it is considered to be the polar opposite of Shane Warne’s first ball to Mike Gatting in the Ashes series of 1993. Unlike Shane’s delivery, which is commonly referred to as the best ball bowled in the 20th century, John’s effort is considered to transcend the limitations of cricket, species, space and time and has been dubbed the worst and most embarrassing individual sporting effort by any living being in the entire universe in the past and in the future.

Most people would consider this to be an end to their cricketing aspirations, but you get the feeling that John would give pretty much anything to pull on a baggy green. Australia has pioneered the art of sledging in cricket, taking it to heights never before seen in the gentlemanly sport, and just like Roger Harper was picked for the West Indies as 12th man merely for his fielding prowess, this is a niche that is crying out for a sledger of John’s unparallelled abilities.

Whenever the opposition was getting a bit too chipper, John could be trundled out for a quick demonisation. John could turn a Test with a single sledge. With just a few well-chosen words, a previously confident and respected player could be reduced to a queue-jumping, baby-flinging-into-the-ocean, dole-bludging terrorist worthy reviled by the crowd, his opponents, and when John’s really in form, his own team mates.