101 Uses for a John Howard

As Clark Kent is to Superman, Peter Parker is to Spidey, Bruce Wayne is to Batman and William “Billy” Cranston is to the Blue Power Ranger, so is John Howard to Mr Sheen. Mild mannered Prime Minister by day, Australia’s most powerful cleaning product by night.

Now, while flying around the house on a magic dusting cloth keeping household surfaces sparkling clean might not seem to be in quite the same league as his crime-fighting superhero colleagues, the PM’s super-alter-ego’s major mission is a ceaseless battle against the historical forces of darkness. Identifiable only by their black armbands and an unquenchable fondness for lattes, these minions of misery constantly attempt to besmirch our past.

Only John and his magic dustcloth can wipe away the coffee rings of these vandals and present Australia’s history so spotlessly white and citrussy fresh that not even the most fastidious would feel the need to apologise when visitors drop by. Sure, there might be a few suspicious bulges under the carpet and I wouldn’t recommend opening any closets or poking around in the basement, but if the past is so bright you’ve got to wear shades, it’s best not to look to closely.