#83: Zombie

He’s come back from the dead so many times he once dubbed himself Lazarus With A Triple Bypass, but it’s all starting to look a bit more sinister than the combination of radical cardiac surgery and a divine miracle from the Son Of Our Heavenly Father.

Exhibit A: Every election we are subjected to an excruciating ritual rather generously dubbed The Great Debate in which The Prime Minister is gruesomely eaten alive by a rabid worm on national television.

Afterwards, John’s worm-riddled corpse is pronounced clinically dead by experts and then just a few weeks later he can be seen giving a suspiciously stilted acceptance speech for yet another term as PM in a fashion that could almost pass for human if you judge him by the admittedly loose standards of the people in attendance.

Exhibit B: Early most mornings, he can be spotted lurching along the footpaths of Kirribilli with the characteristic stiff-legged gait of the animated soulless corpse, and here’s the most telling part, doing it wearing a tracksuit no living person would be seen dead in.

Exhibit C: The traditional instrument for dispatching a flesh-eating zombie is of course the chainsaw. Now we’ve all witnessed his support for a pulp mill in Tasmania, which will draw all of Australia’s chainsaws across Bass Strait, well away from his lair in NSW.

Australia is a tolerant society and being a mindless ghoul shouldn’t disqualify anyone from attaining high office as long as he or she can quote Bradman’s batting average to at least two decimal places. However, it should be noted that zombies do tend to refuse to integrate, instead forming enclaves of zombies which roam the streets at night, terrorising law-abiding Australians and eating their brains.

While I’m not saying that large numbers of voters have necessarily had their brains eaten, it would explain a great deal of the events of the past eleven years. Draw your own conclusions… while you still can.