101 Uses for a John Howard

“Love me or loathe me,” proclaimed the Prime Minister this week, “people accept that I stand for something.” Now, quickly moving on from the fact that the ledger seems a little heavier on the loathe side these days, when you put your mind to it, while you are quite certain that the little guy stands for something, it’s remarkably difficult to pin down exactly what that might be.

That’s where the splayd comes in. A dinky-di Australian invention, it’s the bastard child of a fork, spoon and a knife. It’s whatever piece of cutlery you want it to be when you want it to be it. The splayd promises to be the answer to all your food-wrangling needs, but at the end of the dinner party you’ve got a pile of washing up in the sink and amongst all the mess, the splayd’s sitting there without a mark on it.

Reports have it that John and Janette aren’t backwards in breaking out the splayds for a soiree at Kirribilli House (ask pretty much anyone except Peter or Tanya Costello) and one wonders if there’s a deeper reason for that than a simple hankering for the fifties when handling the splayd with panache meant breeding and sophistication. You can’t imagine Kevin twirling the silverware of kings with the same level of conviction (he’s more of a spork man I suspect) and that’s where I think I’ll leave this as it’s getting far too silly.