101 Uses for a John Howard

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then John should consider himself as buttered up as Buttery Barbara, my favourite act at Scores Gentleman’s Club. Now there’s nothing wrong with a bit of bipartisanship, but if Jesus were Kevin Rudd’s election strategist (and who’s to say he isn’t) even he would be saying “For My sake, Kevin, stop turning your bloody cheek you big pansy! I know I don’t believe in evolution, but grow a bloody backbone!”

The problem Johnny has is that out of the two John Howards presented for this year’s election, the electorate is showing a clear preference for the one with more hair. Luckily, the problem presents its own solution. Once Kevin has merged seamlessly into Prime Ministership, John can take a leaf out of his old pal Saddam Hussein’s book, whack on a blonde wig and become Kev’s body double.

Pictured above about to present the Walkley for Most Shameless Moral Stance to Glenn Milne, John could fill in for Kevin at any event where he would be in clear physical danger or is busy visiting the local nudie bar. Both The Lodge and Kirribilli House could be maintained at 100% occupancy and John could slip on a maroon tracksuit at the crack of dawn and present a fresh powerwalking Prime Ministerial image while Kev’s sleeping off the hangover.