101 Uses for a John Howard

Quail, puny mortals! Or at least, quail, puny quails, or anybody who looks a bit like a quail, for Dick Cheney cometh.

While he might sound a bit like a particularly unpleasant piece of bondage equipment, Dick Cheney is in fact the Vice President of the United States of America and as such is required by law to be shown a good time whenever he visits the country of the President’s Best Mate. Knowing Dick, this will undoubtedly involve a pre-emptive strike on something small and defenceless, so the most likely recreational excursions are either a spot of quail shootin’ or an invasion of the Solomon Islands.

In the case of the former, the PM’s best option is to dress up in a quail suit and invite along David Hicks’ legal team. It’s unlikely any actual quail will be discovered, so John probably won’t have to take a blast in the face from Dick for the alliance this time, though I’m sure he’d be willing.

Although nobody will ever be allowed to go home because that would mean that the quail have won, it’s almost certain Dick will take out a lawyer or two and the world can be proclaimed a safer place, if only due to the fact that Dick’s put down his shotgun while he’s roasting the catch of the day over a slow fire.