101 Uses for a John Howard

I love the smell of citrus in the morning, and one thing you can say about Australia is that it’s got some of the the freshest citrus-scented military hardware on the planet. Much has been made of the importance of our alliance with the United States and this is mainly due to the fact that with the lemons the US has sold us to defend ourselves with, the only invasion we’d have a chance against would be a small battalion of gin and tonics.

With Abrams tanks that get approximately 30cm to the gallon, Collins-class subs that you can’t run after 10pm due to council noise restrictions, naval Seasprite helicopters that don’t actually fly over water and Joint Strike Fighters apparently named after the substance the designers were abusing when they drew up the plans, the US have ruled out selling us the apparently airworthy F-22 Raptor on the grounds that we might accidentally cut ourselves.

…mind you, all of the above pale in comparison to the biggest lemon sold to Australia by an American president, but apparently there are no refunds on the Iraq invasion because little Johnny lost the receipt.