101 Uses for a John Howard

One of our greatest weapons in the War On Terror is the Anti-Terror fridge magnet. The refrigerators of Australia are on the front line against extremists and have been identified as a weak spot in our national security. Those who choose to ignore this warning will not be so complacent when (to choose just one potential terror scenario) a terrorist leaps out of the crisper and blows them to tiny pieces during the their preparation of a cheese sandwich.

The price of eternal vigilance is, of course, indigestion. No matter how much our fearless leader exhorts us to be alert but not alarmed, we’re not all made of similarly stern stuff. Let’s face it, if any opening of the fridge door could result in you and the minced beef becoming indistinguishable, there is a natural tendency for the tummy to become a little delicate.

The only solution is to keep a bottle of Howard’s Patented Milk of Magnesia handy at all times. Guaranteed to keep a lid on any terror-induced acidity, it also acts as a laxative, so while it might give you the shits, at least you’ll be comfortable and relaxed.