Official studies have shown that there will be more casualties caused by nervous flatulence and terror-induced eructation in this country than will ever be caused by direct terror attack.
To celebrate the 50th Use of a John Howard, we at John Howard Central Command have commissioned a special edition Anti-Indigestion Fridge Magnet to protect against any [...]
One of our greatest weapons in the War On Terror is the Anti-Terror fridge magnet. The refrigerators of Australia are on the front line against extremists and have been identified as a weak spot in our national security. Those who choose to ignore this warning will not be so complacent when (to choose just one [...]
Popular legend has it that a goldfish has a memory of exactly 3 seconds, making every lap of the fishbowl a voyage of discovery. While goldfish memory is debatable, it has been scientifically proven that the maximum length of a politician’s memory is 3 years, with a few months knocked off for bad behaviour in [...]
The first backflip of an election campaign is like the first swallow of spring. It’s a sign that all the bounty of Treasury is ready to spew forth after a long winter of discontent, mainly for those in marginal electorates of course, but if it’s going to be a tight one, there’ll be pork aplenty [...]
“But whilst believing that the planet is getting warmer and whilst accepting some, I don’t accept all, and I believe that the methods that he proposes will do a lot of short and medium term damage to the Australian economy.”
John Howard discussing Al Gore’s global warming movie An Inconvenient Truth on Lateline.
Now that, my [...]
Would you buy a set of used Aussie values from this man?
According to Oscar Wilde, a cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Taking this a step further, a used car salesman is someone who knows the price is always negotiable and the value is nothing. A politician [...]
A common fallacy perpetrated by Bush-haters around the world (you know who you are - yes, you with the latte) is that George Dubya presented a plastic Thanksgiving turkey to the troops in Iraq in 2003. This shows not only an ignorance of the facts, but also shows enormous disrespect for the time and effort [...]
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, and if you factor in peanut perks, peanut lurks, peanut allowances, exotic foreign peanuts during overseas study tours, hands-free peanut eating time in chauffer-driven cars, excellent post-parliamentary private peanut-reaping consultancies and last but certainly not least, peanut superannuation, you get very fat contented monkeys indeed.
A few years [...]
As the Freedom Of Information Act rapidly descends from irony to farce, it is worth considering whether it would be simpler for John to scrap the Act entirely and invest in Maxwell Smart’s favourite gadget, the Cone of Silence (shoe phone excepted on the grounds that Telstra would charge you $500 every time you tied [...]
As we’re up to number 42, it seems appropriate to have a bit of a crack at the answer to life, the universe and everything which, according to the late, great Douglas Adams, turns out to be “42″.
According to Douglas, knowledge of the Ultimate Answer and knowledge of the Ultimate Question are mutually exclusive in [...]
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