101 Uses for a John Howard

Throw away your crutches, walking frame, false teeth, insulin, asthma inhaler, eyeglasses, rubber underpants etc, because healing is upon you! Why put your faith in those amateur peddlers of hope in scientific research when you can go with the professionals?

That’s right, after the wildly successful experiment of making Reverend Tony Abbott Health Minister, the Department of Health is now being expanded to the Department of Health and Your Immortal Soul. All medical procedures will now be replaced by the laying on of hands (boxing gloves optional) after the sermon on Sunday mornings. All donations to the collection plate will receive a rebate under Medicare.

Sure, some godless heathens may prefer their medical needs to be catered for on a scientific basis involving the testing of hypotheses under controlled laboratory conditions, but frankly the sooner these people die of the righteous affliction bestowed upon them by a vengeful god and burn in the eternal hellfires of their own damnation, the better it will be for everyone. We’ll be praying for them.