So, where is this “Unaustralia” we’ve heard so much about? Well, as you’ll soon understand, you can’t find it on a map, but the directions are simple:
1. Get yourself a map of Australia and a pair of sharp scissors (make sure there aren’t any responsible adults in the room).
2. Cut, or “excise” carefully around the outline provided.
Congratulations, you have now reached Unaustralia! (No moral compass required). It’s just the same as Australia, but at the same time inexplicably smaller, with a much larger trade deficit with Nauru.
It’s all part of the Pacific Solution, which accepts the sad fact that Australia doesn’t have the space, resources or capability to deliver a basic standard of human decency to asylum seekers and solves the problem by sending them to the much more accomplished democracy of Nauru. Sure, Nauru’s essentially a small pile of birdshit in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with a population less than half the membership of the Geelong Football Club, but at least you can find it on a map with a magnifying glass and a bit of luck.
If all this makes about as much sense to you as posting your socks to Bolivia to be washed then you’re clearly hankering for the dark ages before globalisation, my bleeding-hearted comrade. Pull your socks up (or pop them in an airtight envelope) and join the brave new world of people-outsourcing1.
1It’s only people-smuggling when other people do it.
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