101 Uses for a John Howard

Keep your child securely detained for years on end! With the John Howard Child Restraint^(TM), you can be confident your child’s going nowhere indefinitely.¹ So secure, the only way of retrieving your child is to wait until John is distracted by a rare dissenting Liberal parliamentarian and quickly snatch the fruit of your loins from his steely grasp.²

Also comes in the Vanstone^(TM) model (extra padding) and limited stocks are still available of the superseded Ruddock^(TM) design (no discernible heartbeat to tickle a sensitive child and remains icy cold on those hot summer days).³

¹Child may end up in Nauru and subsequently somewhere else.
²Studies have shown child to be safer pretty much anywhere else than in the John Howard Child Restraint^(TM)
3The John Howard Child Restraint^(TM) and related Vanstone^(TM) and Ruddock^(TM) models are not suitable for any child of any age, size, race or ethnicity.

Update: anyone with concerns over the quality of the the John Howard Child Restraint^(TM) may wish to share them here.